Satire | You’ll be able to’t win in opposition to a reptile

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‘We moved to my in-laws’ place for the night time. I may image the lizards in our front room giving one another high-fives as we scooted’

‘We moved to my in-laws’ place for the night time. I may image the lizards in our front room giving one another high-fives as we scooted’

I do know I mentioned ‘to be continued’ on the finish of my earlier column. However tomorrow is Independence Day, and I really feel patriotically obliged to speak to you about issues like freedom, independence, and the way India discarded the yolk of colonialism (my grandfather gave up eggs altogether). Additionally I don’t really feel like speaking about lizards yet again. The very matter makes me uncomfortable and depressed. If I anyway must really feel uncomfortable and depressed, I’d as effectively discuss concerning the state of the nation, our economic system, politics, judiciary, electoral bonds, collapse of establishments, and many others. Okay wait, that is truly extra miserable. Let’s stick with lizards.

The place have been we? Sure, the digital lizard repellant Nomo-Liza. It saved me awake at night time and the lizards have been loving it. So I ordered the spray, Poda-Saniyan. The pal who advisable it informed me it’s the lizard equal of the chemical weapons Assad utilized in Syria however higher — it was eco-friendly as a result of it was natural.

I checked the label for utilization instructions. It mentioned: ‘Spray on the surfaces the place lizards roam. Poda-Saniyan won’t kill the lizards however repel them’. Not being a lizard myself, I wasn’t cognizant of the sorts of locations the place they like to hang around. After consulting Google, I sprayed Poda-Saniyan in any respect the entry and exit factors of the home. I additionally sprayed it behind the e book case, on the window sill, underneath the sink, behind the shoe rack.

That night, I received residence from work and was about to ring the doorbell when it hit me — the scent. It was the form of rancidness you get once you mix rotten eggs with eucalyptus oil, add a cup of freshly produced cow dung, and boil the combination in a vat of mouthwash.

This column is a satirical tackle life and society

No impact on lizards

Spouse opened the door carrying a masks.

“What did you do?” she demanded. “What is that this scent?”

“Poda-Saniyan,” I mentioned.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s the lizard repellant,” I mentioned. “I sprayed just a little right here and there earlier than leaving for work.”

“A bit? Or did you empty an entire tanker of it?”

“Only a few drops,” I mentioned. “We people are a lot larger than a lizard. If we discover its scent so overpowering, think about its impact on lizards!”

“I’ve individuals from work coming over tomorrow,” Spouse mentioned, eyes scanning the doorway for any intruders.

“Calm down,” I mentioned. “Google says the scent goes away in 24 hours except you spray it once more.”

“Are you positive?”

“Sure,” I mentioned, “Don’t fear.”

The following day, after I received again from work, I may scent Poda-Saniyan within the car parking zone. Had all the Society — taking inspiration from me — began utilizing it? In that case, they higher acknowledge my contribution within the subsequent normal physique assembly.

As I climbed the steps and reached our house, the scent was like a wall I needed to break down and stroll via. Spouse opened the door holding a hanky to her nostril, which was already underneath two masks. However even via three layers of facial buffers, I may sense her fury. She had considered cancelling her do however moved it to a restaurant — a call that had precipitated her appreciable stress as she needed to clear up an advanced logistical puzzle underneath time strain to ensure that all her visitors to make it regardless of final minute change of venue.

Horrible concept

I held up my palms like Al Pacino. “I didn’t spray after yesterday, I swear I didn’t.”

“I do know,” she snapped. “However this horrible spray was your concept!”

“However how come the scent is stronger right now than yesterday?”

Spouse sighed. I knew then it was Kattabomman. He was fascinated by Poda-Saniyan. I recalled his pleasure as he adopted me round, mentioning lizard hide-outs, as I went from room to room with the spray. Apparently, late within the afternoon, when his mom was away and his nanny was asleep, he had noticed a lizard underneath the couch. And like one  mundhiri kottai, he had picked up Poda-Saniyan and adopted the lizard round the home, wielding the spray like an AK-47. He’d saved ‘firing’ it till the five hundred ml canister ran out of ammunition.

“Did the lizard depart the home?” I requested.

Katta shook his head. “It bumped into the bed room. It climbed the mattress.”

“Don’t inform me you sprayed the mattress?”

Katta’s face — juxtaposed with Spouse’s expression — mentioned all of it.

“The place will we sleep now?” I mentioned.

“I’m getting late,” Spouse mentioned. “I’m not coming again.”

“What?! You’re leaving me as a result of I purchased a lizard repellant?”

“I’m staying the night time at Dad’s,” she mentioned. “You convey Katta with you.”

We moved to my in-laws’ place for the night time. I may image the lizards in our front room giving one another high-fives as we scooted. They now had the entire home to themselves. Ethical of the story: you may’t win in opposition to a reptile.

The creator of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

sampath.g@thehindu.co.in

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